How To Be A Gnome: An Impractical Guide

~ a short story

“GNOMES are supposed to inhabit deep and hidden caves — gnome man’s land, as you might say.” 
~ Anonymous

So you have decided to become a gnome? 

Undoubtedly, this means that you are someone who already displays gnomelike qualities. You may be smaller, or merely clever. It could be that you like to keep secrets. Or do you happen to go down into the deeper and darker places of things, where the real raw veins of sensuous experience and wily witticism lay? It is only there, in the still shadows and gloaming hearth of the eternal mysteries that one can finally be at peace. One necessarily plants in the deeper darkness in order to make it glow.

You must understand that there are a few steps you are gonna need to take so that you may be a gnome. 

And get my wyrd right there, too. Be a gnome, there is no becoming. 

The gnome is already within. You must remember to be.

I am gnome. 

You are too.

Step one: Find yourself a barkperch, an alcove, or at-best a hidey-hole. Live there.

Step two: Don a cap soaked in the blood of your most dire foe. 

Step three: Wear your redcap forever. 

Step four: From time to time, try to go out and make something. 

Step five: Tend to the gardens around you. If you cannot find them, make one. 

Step six: Eavesdrop on your periphery at all times. 

Step seven: When you learn a secret, keep it. Store it, worship it, cherish it. 

Step eight: Grow the best beard that you can. 

Step nine: Master yourself in All things. 

Step ten: If at all possible, try to amplify Gaea’s influence within your environ. 

Step eleven: Head to the Swamplands and buck-break your first frog. 

Step twelve: Ride your frog through the Sunderlands. 

Step thirteen: Defeat the Specter of the Great Hare Methuzaleh at the Tower.

Step fourteen: Tend to the Tower’s spiral gardens. 

Step fifteen: Return to your native land and release your frog back into the wild. 

Step sixteen: Oversee the growth of at least five new fungi species within your environ.

Step seventeen: Gather with your local chapter of gnomes on Fridays. Form a squadron.

Step eighteen: Organize a Contingency Plan with your squad, to be presented to gnomedom at a future date.

Step nineteen: Go cow-tipping with your squad. (Translation: perform act of local punkfolklore)

Step twenty: Begin your lifelong hunt for Excelsium within your environ’s subterranean locales.

After completing these simple steps, you too shall be a gnome. In function, if not in form too. 

Just give yourself a little time, and soon you will find the large within the small as well.

You should know that there are many advantages to being able to pass under the searching eye.

Once you find some Excelsium, you may be invited to participate in the Greater Designs.

However, you should also know that there is more to being a gnome than just fun & games. 

Gnomedom, or the collective consciousness of our being, demands certain ordinances.

Here are the seven decrees of gnomedom, which must be followed much like your human laws. The difference in consequence deals with the nature of the soul. It’s best to follow our rules, or you may end up facing eternity alone. 

The Seven Decrees of Gnomedom:

Decree one: In the southern hemisphere, crash the birthday parties of children.

Decree two: In the northern hemisphere, whisper to miners, climbers, and gardeners.

Decree three: In suburbia, engage in operation KOBEL, adjusting general strategy for local phenoms.

Decree four: In urban environments, engage in operation TAC-TRICK-TOE.

Decree five: If you can make it to wilderness, shack up with the toads and try another frog.

Decree six: If you ever encounter a wizard, laugh at them and acquiesce to one request. If you ever encounter a sorcerer, kiss them to make them your thrall for seventy-two hours. If you ever encounter a witch, run.

Decree seven: Whenever possible, be a light in the darkness, a shape that shadows the abyss, a jolly humble seeker of mischief, delight, and diversion. 

So there you have it, how to be a gnome. 

I look forward to seeing you in the deepest darknesses, my good fellow. 

Good luck. ~